After last week’s encounter with Rosemary, I did something that I don’t think I’ve done before.

I apologized.

It took a lot for me to realize that it’s not just the world piling shit on me. I’ve been piling shit on others, keeping my guard up- I realized I’m not a victim. Shit happens to everybody, and it’s up to us to determine where it is we wanna go from here.

And just like that, she smiled and forgave me. Just like that. And I realized that Rosemary isn’t just some naive girl for being so kind and forgiving. Actually…by being kind and forgiving, I’d consider her stronger and wiser than me.

I took her out for dinner to make up for it all, and for the first time, I asked her about her life, her goals and dreams. This time, not to pry information out of her and determine in what way she’d be of use to me. I just genuinely wanted to know.

She shared that she grew up in foster care not too long after I left Bandera in grade school. She was taken from her family because her father was an avid drug user, and so she was separated from her siblings.

She shared that Ponch is the only sibling she was ever able to meet again.

This shocked me- I was absolutely bewildered. “What do you mean- you’re siblings?” She explained that she eventually went to the city to pursue a career in social justice once she hit 18, and she came back to Bandera just to visit. That was when she stumbled into the mayor and Ponch in the market, and she recognized him. So, to stay in touch with the only family she has left while balancing her career, she commuted between Bandera and the Bronx.

I didn’t know that they were siblings. I didn’t know that Ponch was adopted. I didn’t know any of it. And suddenly, I realized something. In my first blog post, I stated that people are scum- but I just might be the biggest one there is.

After dinner, I went into my office and I was just sitting down to type up another post when Ponch burst into my room in a panicked frenzy. Typically, the boy does this when he wants to show me a butterfly or something of that sort, so I didn’t pay him much attention at first.

He struggles to string words together, especially in such an emotional state, but this time, after some attempts at catching my attention, he remarked-

“Mr. Ranch, we have a lead! I know who El Chupo is!”

El Chupo is the drug cartel leader who goes by an alias, who’s been responsible for all the havoc going on in Bandera. We haven’t caught him or ID’d him, just his goons who are too stupid to tell us anything. Knowing who he is would let us finally know how to deal with this guy and put an end to the whole shabang.

With interest and bewilderment, I asked him who he was.

The look on his face was one that took me a minute to register. I haven’t…I haven’t seen this look on him before. It was a look of concern.

“El Chupo…he’s…He’s Rosemary’s pa…And mine I suppose.”

When he told me this, I didn’t know how to feel. I thought I would have been ecstatic to finally know who this man was. And I know for a fact that not too long ago, I wouldn’t have cared that he was her father.

This is what happens when you get close to people. Something always gets in the way, and you can’t let your emotions get the best of you or the case ever.

No.

I can’t let myself fall into that way of thinking. Not again.

But El Chupo…he’s caused a lot of chaos, fights, ransoms, kidnappings- he’s done a lot of bad to this community and he needs to get what he deserves.

But a part of me can’t help but wonder what this would do to Rosemary. Would she crumble knowing her father was actually the one behind the drug abuse and drug-related crimes in Bandera this whole time?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

In the middle of thinking all this, Ponch called my name and I snapped at him. I asked him what he was still doing here. I asked him why could he never take a hint that I need a second to just fucking think, I asked him why couldn’t he just leave me be for once.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ranch. I wish I weren’t so slow…” he replied, and wandered off like nothing.

I thought change would have been easier. I thought that if I could recognize my faults, I could be better, and I could be the man I should have been all this time.

But I know it’s harder than that. I can’t just recognize these facts, I have to apply them.

I can’t just recognize that I have relationships with people I value, I have to work in these relationships. I have to work on myself.

There’s no point in thinking so much if I don’t share my thoughts with others. I thank you, my audience, for reading this mess that has been my records. But I think I need to take time to work with Rosemary and Ponch.

They’ve always been there for me. And I haven’t been there for them. So now I want to devote this time to being better.

Maybe I’ll come back. Maybe I’ll write again someday. I’m not the man I wish I were, but hopefully I’ll get closer to that with each and every day.

Huh. In my first post, I said I wouldn’t be surprised by all the shit that happens in the world, which remains true. But I never expected to be surprised with how my view on things have changed.

It’s time to say farewell to the man I don’t want to be anymore.

And farewell to you. At least for now.

Sincerely,

Ranch.

I’m going to be honest here, the kind of technology you’re describing sounds…terrifying.

So you’re talkin’ about some software that can use facial recognition technology to get the scoop on pretty much anybody it locks on. Yeah, as a detective, I can see how it can be real useful. It’d sure make my job a lot easier if I could spend more time tracking someone down rather than spend precious time tryin’ to find out who the hell even committed the crime in the first place.

But that’s pretty much as far as I can see the benefits go. I don’t know if depriving people of their personal space and privacy is the…right way to go about bringing people to justice.

Had you asked me before, I would have been all for this technology. But, I have to admit, we can’t go around making innocent peoples’ lives more uncomfortable than they already are because of some idiot who wants to break the rules.

What would the point be in protecting people at the cost of their comfort and privacy? There are just some things you can’t do to crack a case- at any cost.

Like you say, anyone can be tracked down with this software. And what happens when it falls into the wrong hands? What happens when someone with sick, twisted intentions manages to have access to this type of technology?

I think the world just isn’t ready for this kinda shit yet. We can barely handle shit like self-driving cars, what makes us think that we’re prepared to handle the societal consequences of AI that recognizes and keeps track of people?

The worst part of it all? This kind of science is like Pandora’s box. Once you let a little out, there’s no stopping the rest from leaping out in the process.

If there’s anything I learned from people, is that they’re passionate, devoted- quite stubborn actually. Like I mentioned in my last post, I came to realize that Rosemary is a devoted, persistent girl. And it works out just fine, ’cause her intentions are purely…selfless.

And when it comes to these scientists, they’re as passionate as they are stubborn. But what are their intentions? I doubt they’re workin’ on this kinda tech out of pure care for humanity and justice.

No. We all know how the story goes with these guys. Their main goal is to play god, it’s to discover, it’s to create. Even if it’s at humanity’s own risk. It’s sick, but I’m sure that even if they are made aware of the consequences of developing such technology, they won’t wanna stop investing time and research into makin’ it better.

I’ve been down the tunnel-vision route. It’s suffocating just looking after yourself, just focusing on what it is you want, no matter who you hurt, no matter what you gotta do. It may seem righteous at the time. But once you make it to the end, and turn around to look at the people who you love and care about, you’ll find nothing.

Because if you make it to the end without thinking about anybody, you’ll end up with nobody. You’ll end up with no one, and the knowledge that you’ve hurt people who once cared about you.

And they’ll move on. And you? You’ll just be alone. You’d get what you’ve always wanted, even if it expired long ago.

I think it applies to everyone, even engineers, to think about our place in the world, and what we owe others, the world, and ourselves. We can’t just do things because we can, we can’t just take things because we want them. We have to make sacrifices, we have to stop and think about how our actions will affect others, how scientific endeavor will affect society. If we start thinking about whether we should do something instead of actually doing it, I think we’d all be happier.

Ranch.

Sometimes it’s not such a bad thing to be alone.

Although, it’s generally human to want something you can’t have. You may be alone now, wanting to have company and love. I’m swarmed by company, yet now I yearn to be alone more than I ever have in my entire life.

But when you’re alone, you yourself are responsible for your own happiness- and there is little chance of anyone or anything hurting you. I’m not only surrounded by people, but I’m haunted by my late-wife’s ghost. Constantly taunting me, following me, blaming me for her death.

Now. The “one pill that can alleviate heart-break”. It’s a concept I’m not sure I’ve ever considered. If you have the chance to lose the pain you feel, to have a fact-based memory no longer laced with emotion, would you take it?

When I think about it, initially, I say, yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I take that chance? The pain that comes with the memories I have, why wouldn’t I want them to go away? How I wish I could lose the pain associated with the moment I decided to drop my dream career for my father, for a woman. The pain associated with losing myself, everyday, as I forgot what it felt like to truly live. The pain associated with opening my eyes to see my wife, lying across the floor, decked in blood. Her blood. On my hands. On me.

Like I said, the memories quite literally haunt me. But, if I never felt that pain, I suppose I wouldn’t really have a drive to fight for anything. At all.

Without the pain I have, what am I anymore? Who am I? What would I be doing with my time if I weren’t driven by the need to find the truth? To destroy those responsible for my pain? I’m so fueled by anguish and anger. Without it, I’m a husk.

A husk no longer haunted, no longer infuriated, no longer passionate. If these feelings are all I have left, I don’t know if I’d want to lose them.

I agree when you say that heartbreak is a part of the human experience. If we all got what we wanted in life, we would never grow, would we? We would never grow to overcome obstacles, we would never change. And if we lived perfect lives for years and years, what would we do if something horrible happened for once? Would we break? It’s likely we’d break and never recover.

It’d be cheap if we could just take a pill that fixes our problems, I guess. And at that point I’m not sure if we’d even be human anymore if we lost the emotions connected to our memories. Even if it’s just the bad ones. Is it really healthy to subject ourselves to nothing but positive emotion?

Maybe I’m talking outta my ass here because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything but loss. But I do know one thing.

When I became a lawyer upon my wife’s request, I was emotionally numbed. I felt nothing, towards anyone, towards anything. It was only when I lost everything that my heart broke, and filled with anger and determination.

I never want to feel numb again. I’d rather feel this shit than nothing in a heartbeat.

We’re not robots, after all. We feel for a reason.

Ranch.

I get how pressing it can be to try and get a good story out to the public. Journalists usually get the most attention, the most success out of their stories when they flaunt sensationalist ones. And of course, the main motive is to not inform, but to get people talkin’, to get people buyin’ papers. So when journalists in countries like Mexico want people to buy, they make the most outta the sex, gore, and violence they witness.

They really have no shame.

On Valentine’s Day, women marched, spray painted, and rallied against Mexico’s lack of action when it comes to protecting women from, well, homicide and the like. And their demands include “responsible journalism” due to how the media treats the deaths and tragedies of the world. Instead of giving sensitive topics the respect they’re deserved, they make a joke and mockery of it all. It’s strict entertainment business to them.

The particular case the women were motivated by was the murder of 25-year-old Ingrid Escamilla- how did the media depict her death? They posted gruesome pictures of her death on the cover of a tabloid. Her skin was ripped off, her organs were mutilated, she was left lying around like garbage. And apparently the media eats that shit up and used these images for the sake of “shock value”. The newspaper that posted the images claimed “CUPID DID IT”. And of course, people got pissed and worked to make their voices heard.

These women are tired of being used as sensationalist stories. They’re tired of the danger they experience, they’re tired of how they’re being treated like a sick joke and not many people are doing anything about it.

So the protesters not only did that, but they also spray painted and marked the presidential palace in red, to express the blood that lies on the hands of the careless government.

The young woman the protesters are pissed about isn’t the only case in Mexico like this. Nor will it be the last. Mexico is a breeding ground for “yellow press”- which uses graphic content to hook audiences, consequently making a big show out of recent murders and attacks instead of simply bringing awareness and respect to it all.

I’m all for a good story. But there’s a fuckin’ line, ya know? There’s a line you just don’t fucking cross. Not everyone’s stomachs can handle seeing a spectacle of organs and blood, and it’s certainly not respectful to the victims and their families. It’s one thing to inform but it’s another to entertain.

I’ve seen things in my days as a detective that not many folks can handle. I have to see this shit because it’s a part of my job. It takes me one step closer to cracking cases and bringing people to justice. But when you show this stuff to the general public, it’ll obviously just cause anger.

‘Cause what can they do to help? What can they do when they look at these graphic images? Nothing, really. Other than just get mad and protest and cause destruction out of disparity.

Yellow Press serves no justice and only instigates chaos.

But as long as the media gets attention, who cares? Right?

Ranch.

Chelsea, you remind me of my secretary- caring. Optimistic. But naive.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. You’re presumably young, full of spirit, hopeful that each individual can make a change in the world if they just try.

But sadly, trying just isn’t enough to save the damned. The sooner you realize that, you’ll be able to take care of those who really, genuinely matter to you in your life. If you spend your whole time trying to fix up the world, you’ll be left with nothing in your proximity.

In one of my previous blog posts, I talked about how corrupt the world is, how only those with money and power have any actual say in what goes on in the world. I expressed how important it is to look after yourself, ’cause you’re all you got and there’s no one else really here for you in this world.

And like you said in your post, Americans are too focused on themselves to contribute anything beneficial to the world around them. We work for ourselves and our own benefit, and if we get nothing out of something then why bother doing it?

I know that we as individuals can’t do much to change anything wrong with our world. And even if we work with others it’s still really fuckin’ hard to make anything happen. I mean, as you mentioned, the situation with Flint went viral but nothing even came of that. So why would anyone even try? What good does awareness do, really?

It’s a shame what’s happening with the The Philippines- with the eruption, the deaths, the general disaster. No matter how much we spread the word, there’s no bringing anybody back from the dead. We can send supplies or aid or whatever, but what incentive does our government have to do anything for anyone?

Even with all that, I must admit, your last line struck a chord with me. When you said that we all share the same planet, that maybe disasters like this can serve as a reminder that we gotta support and pay attention to one another.

For the longest time I’ve been certain that all you can do is fight for yourself, for your own happiness. But for an even longer time before that, I was certain that happiness could be found through others, that we all have a responsibility to look out after each other through this fucked mess we call life.

Your post reminded me of one thing. Even if we’re powerless in the grand scheme of things, we still have power when it comes to impacting those around us. Even if you say that Americans are too self-centered to do anything about the world around them, I’d consider myself to be worse than the general American in that case.

I don’t care about anyone or anything at all. But myself, but Laura.

People like Rosemary, my secretary, have done their best to become a part of my life somehow, no matter how shitty I treat ’em. I don’t know why, but I know damn well I haven’t been returning the favor at all. I know nothing about anyone in my life. I spent my youth getting to know one woman alone, and I haven’t tried to help anyone since.

Now I know everything about a dead woman and no one else.

I know you wrote about an eruption and how no one cares to help and whatever, but helping those around you first is crucial to actually making a difference in anything outside of that.

Maybe I just have to be more open minded, more receptive to those around me, more caring. Maybe I need to pay more attention to those around me before I try to move forward and deal with my own problems, with the world’s problems, if ever.

Hm. Maybe you aren’t as naive as I thought.

Ranch.

Zucchinifries00, although you have a strange name, I can’t say mine is any less strange. So I’ll just jump right in and respond to your recent blog post on Harry and Meghan: once royal, now “ordinary”.

I do think you make some pretty good points on why Americans are so intrigued by the royal family, even when it has pretty much nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, our world is one where lots of people think that living lavish lives is all that it’s jacked up to be. So many people still place such a strong hold on the idea that having the most to flaunt off is the key to happiness. So many people work for and dream endlessly of a life filled with cars and fancy houses and parties. And I do agree with your point when you say that Americans look on, amazed by a seemingly extravagant life they may never achieve. I think you have an interesting take on what makes the royal family so engaging to the general public- it demonstrates the basis of human nature and how people think in the society they’ve constructed for themselves.

Always comparing themselves to others. Never being satisfied with what they have. I’ve been close to enough people to know that happiness doesn’t come from within for so many. It comes from outside validation, and comparison. It’s a dangerous ideology to have.

My own…former wife had this mentality. Always looking to families with huge backyards and multistory houses, always looking to families who went on extravagant vacations. She was never satisfied with what I could offer her, and watching other people live the lives she so desperately wanted only killed her inside, little by little.

And it killed both me and our relationship in the process.

Zucchinifries00, you mention that Meghan is constantly under public scrutiny, being criticized for any little thing she does. That can strain a relationship- having such stark differences when it comes to how a couple is perceived by the public. And I don’t doubt that something like race can have something to do with it. Something as “elite” and prestigious as the royal family certainly won’t be immune from critique for deviating from “tradition.” People are simply afraid of change, and they’re afraid of sharing a piece of their prestige with an outsider. As fucked up as it is, that’s the way life works. And if it bothered Harry and Meghan that much, to the point where they felt compelled to leave, then I believe they had no business being in the public eye anyways.

Ya gotta have real thick skin to be somethin’ like royalty. You can’t let other people influence what it is you wanna do or you’ll just let them bring you down. It’s just a fact that people can be scum, and backing down just because you get your feelings hurt by some people who don’t even matter will just give them more power.

But I will say this though. We don’t know what happens behind closed doors. As much insight as we get into the royal family, we still don’t know certain details about their very personal, very private parts of their lives. It might be a possibility that Meghan influenced Harry’s ultimate decision to leave the royal family. Afterall, it’s just a fact that women have the power to influence men with their charm or other such actions. I’ve noted that a man’s independence and selfish thought goes away when they become involved with a woman- they let themselves care too much about what she has to say, and they begin to treat their own opinions as an afterthought. Or worse, they begin to see their woman’s thoughts as their own. Women have more power than men like to give them credit for. It’s very likely that she did cause Harry to take the final steps to leave, but again, there’s no way of knowing. I don’t think we can afford to dismiss that possibility.

A lot of things come into play when it comes to action and reaction. People might feel pressured to do something because of external forces, and people might react to certain events or situations based on their own feelings and predispositions. It’s just human nature to try and fall into line with people’s expectations, to want what other people want. People will never be satisfied with any way their lives play out.

And people end up watching and looking up to people like the royal family all their lives, dreaming of what could have been if only they were “lucky” enough to be born into affluence.

With all due respect, easy there, Titus.

I just came across your recent blog post and have a few pointers for ya. There’s more to a war than brute force and total nuclear annihilation. Any type of fight needs to be met with strategy, just like I stated in my last post. In regards to life, you gotta play not only with your best interests in mind, but with smarts in mind. If you don’t approach anything with caution and precision, you risk losing everything you’ve ever worked for.

First off, appearance ain’t shit, kid. You can’t let yourself be fooled by what catches your eye first, or ya leave yourself vulnerable for a potentially nasty surprise. Look beneath the surface, and you’ll be one step closer to succeeding. A gut on some guy doesn’t mean he’s some sorta great leader, it probably just means he’s got access to gourmet meals just for bein’ rich, white, and, well, the president. I know you’ve gone your whole life thinkin’ fat on a leader shows his “intellect and potential as a ruler” but really he just doesn’t care enough about his own health to watch what he eats.

And knowing that Trump doesn’t care enough about his own health, what makes you think he cares about preserving the wellbeing of people other than himself? Of a whole nation he hasn’t even met yet?

On the other hand though, I wouldn’t completely knock him as braindead quite yet. Clearly, he’s done somethin’ right to get where he stands today. He played the game oddly, but smart enough to win the presidential election.

He played out his election so ridiculously, that he couldn’t be serious, right? That he can’t really win, right? Well, the citizens of America thought that the idea of his presidency was too barbaric to really happen. So they don’t vote, they feel safe knowing he isn’t gonna win. Some even vote for him just for kicks- ‘cause he’s gonna need all the help he can get, right? Well. They underestimated him, thought they were safe enough to play it lazy.

They underestimated the enemy based on looks.

And now the world faces the consequences.

He didn’t need violence to make it that far. Or muscle. Or force. All he needed was to be seen by the people, to be heard. Even if it was bad press, it was press. He used some form of strategy and analysis of his audience to win.

Back to the point of all this- making it this far was only the beginning for him. 

Now, he ordered the assassination of that Iranian General. His next move? I honestly don’t see how this can play out very nicely, but I don’t see him sending nuclear weapons of destruction to Iran any time soon.

You say that if the United States launches their nuclear weapons to destroy the enemy and intimidate other nations into submission or respect, they will wind up victorious. But it’s not as black and white as that.

If you want to be a leader someday after your old man croaks, Khan, you gotta keep an eye out not just for the external enemy, but the internal one.

Internal revolution boils and cooks over time. It’s a slow heat, that you won’t even feel or notice while you’re rallying armies to attack and conquer other nations. But the real threat is when the internal revolution creeps out of the shadows and scalds you with their unpredictability- with their betrayal. 

You can’t assume everyone under your rule will love you and accept your rule. Sometimes those who really want to see you fall will be those you’ve known the longest, those who *should* always be at your side, those who you least expect.

I say this from experience. The one I loved the most ended up bein’ the one who damned me the most. I never thought that such a beautiful women like Laura could ever cause me such pain and agony. But, again, looks deceive. Sometimes the prettiest solutions end up makin’ the ugliest of problems.

Anyways, even though the world is cruel, unfair, and dominated by the wealthy, by the powerful, there will always be many, many people holding out hope. There will always be people who remember a day where they felt comfort and freedom, and they will dream of and fight for justice and freedom.

Although I’m amused at these peoples’ insistence that justice is truly possible, I do respect their stubbornness to fight for what they want. It’s their foolish dreams and stubbornness to succeed that will lead you to your doom if you take these people over and establish dominion with fear and power.

You say your enemies fear becoming smithereens. But there are people who have nothing to lose but their lives fighting for a concept. As silly as it sounds, again, it’s dangerous.

And again, you’re in no position to underestimate the power of a potential threat.

You may be ready to see some explosive fireworks, but be careful what you wish for. They might just blow up in your face.

With all due respect.

Ranch