Farewell

After last week’s encounter with Rosemary, I did something that I don’t think I’ve done before.

I apologized.

It took a lot for me to realize that it’s not just the world piling shit on me. I’ve been piling shit on others, keeping my guard up- I realized I’m not a victim. Shit happens to everybody, and it’s up to us to determine where it is we wanna go from here.

And just like that, she smiled and forgave me. Just like that. And I realized that Rosemary isn’t just some naive girl for being so kind and forgiving. Actually…by being kind and forgiving, I’d consider her stronger and wiser than me.

I took her out for dinner to make up for it all, and for the first time, I asked her about her life, her goals and dreams. This time, not to pry information out of her and determine in what way she’d be of use to me. I just genuinely wanted to know.

She shared that she grew up in foster care not too long after I left Bandera in grade school. She was taken from her family because her father was an avid drug user, and so she was separated from her siblings.

She shared that Ponch is the only sibling she was ever able to meet again.

This shocked me- I was absolutely bewildered. “What do you mean- you’re siblings?” She explained that she eventually went to the city to pursue a career in social justice once she hit 18, and she came back to Bandera just to visit. That was when she stumbled into the mayor and Ponch in the market, and she recognized him. So, to stay in touch with the only family she has left while balancing her career, she commuted between Bandera and the Bronx.

I didn’t know that they were siblings. I didn’t know that Ponch was adopted. I didn’t know any of it. And suddenly, I realized something. In my first blog post, I stated that people are scum- but I just might be the biggest one there is.

After dinner, I went into my office and I was just sitting down to type up another post when Ponch burst into my room in a panicked frenzy. Typically, the boy does this when he wants to show me a butterfly or something of that sort, so I didn’t pay him much attention at first.

He struggles to string words together, especially in such an emotional state, but this time, after some attempts at catching my attention, he remarked-

“Mr. Ranch, we have a lead! I know who El Chupo is!”

El Chupo is the drug cartel leader who goes by an alias, who’s been responsible for all the havoc going on in Bandera. We haven’t caught him or ID’d him, just his goons who are too stupid to tell us anything. Knowing who he is would let us finally know how to deal with this guy and put an end to the whole shabang.

With interest and bewilderment, I asked him who he was.

The look on his face was one that took me a minute to register. I haven’t…I haven’t seen this look on him before. It was a look of concern.

“El Chupo…he’s…He’s Rosemary’s pa…And mine I suppose.”

When he told me this, I didn’t know how to feel. I thought I would have been ecstatic to finally know who this man was. And I know for a fact that not too long ago, I wouldn’t have cared that he was her father.

This is what happens when you get close to people. Something always gets in the way, and you can’t let your emotions get the best of you or the case ever.

No.

I can’t let myself fall into that way of thinking. Not again.

But El Chupo…he’s caused a lot of chaos, fights, ransoms, kidnappings- he’s done a lot of bad to this community and he needs to get what he deserves.

But a part of me can’t help but wonder what this would do to Rosemary. Would she crumble knowing her father was actually the one behind the drug abuse and drug-related crimes in Bandera this whole time?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

In the middle of thinking all this, Ponch called my name and I snapped at him. I asked him what he was still doing here. I asked him why could he never take a hint that I need a second to just fucking think, I asked him why couldn’t he just leave me be for once.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ranch. I wish I weren’t so slow…” he replied, and wandered off like nothing.

I thought change would have been easier. I thought that if I could recognize my faults, I could be better, and I could be the man I should have been all this time.

But I know it’s harder than that. I can’t just recognize these facts, I have to apply them.

I can’t just recognize that I have relationships with people I value, I have to work in these relationships. I have to work on myself.

There’s no point in thinking so much if I don’t share my thoughts with others. I thank you, my audience, for reading this mess that has been my records. But I think I need to take time to work with Rosemary and Ponch.

They’ve always been there for me. And I haven’t been there for them. So now I want to devote this time to being better.

Maybe I’ll come back. Maybe I’ll write again someday. I’m not the man I wish I were, but hopefully I’ll get closer to that with each and every day.

Huh. In my first post, I said I wouldn’t be surprised by all the shit that happens in the world, which remains true. But I never expected to be surprised with how my view on things have changed.

It’s time to say farewell to the man I don’t want to be anymore.

And farewell to you. At least for now.

Sincerely,

Ranch.