Sometimes it’s not such a bad thing to be alone.
Although, it’s generally human to want something you can’t have. You may be alone now, wanting to have company and love. I’m swarmed by company, yet now I yearn to be alone more than I ever have in my entire life.
But when you’re alone, you yourself are responsible for your own happiness- and there is little chance of anyone or anything hurting you. I’m not only surrounded by people, but I’m haunted by my late-wife’s ghost. Constantly taunting me, following me, blaming me for her death.
Now. The “one pill that can alleviate heart-break”. It’s a concept I’m not sure I’ve ever considered. If you have the chance to lose the pain you feel, to have a fact-based memory no longer laced with emotion, would you take it?
When I think about it, initially, I say, yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I take that chance? The pain that comes with the memories I have, why wouldn’t I want them to go away? How I wish I could lose the pain associated with the moment I decided to drop my dream career for my father, for a woman. The pain associated with losing myself, everyday, as I forgot what it felt like to truly live. The pain associated with opening my eyes to see my wife, lying across the floor, decked in blood. Her blood. On my hands. On me.
Like I said, the memories quite literally haunt me. But, if I never felt that pain, I suppose I wouldn’t really have a drive to fight for anything. At all.
Without the pain I have, what am I anymore? Who am I? What would I be doing with my time if I weren’t driven by the need to find the truth? To destroy those responsible for my pain? I’m so fueled by anguish and anger. Without it, I’m a husk.
A husk no longer haunted, no longer infuriated, no longer passionate. If these feelings are all I have left, I don’t know if I’d want to lose them.
I agree when you say that heartbreak is a part of the human experience. If we all got what we wanted in life, we would never grow, would we? We would never grow to overcome obstacles, we would never change. And if we lived perfect lives for years and years, what would we do if something horrible happened for once? Would we break? It’s likely we’d break and never recover.
It’d be cheap if we could just take a pill that fixes our problems, I guess. And at that point I’m not sure if we’d even be human anymore if we lost the emotions connected to our memories. Even if it’s just the bad ones. Is it really healthy to subject ourselves to nothing but positive emotion?
Maybe I’m talking outta my ass here because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything but loss. But I do know one thing.
When I became a lawyer upon my wife’s request, I was emotionally numbed. I felt nothing, towards anyone, towards anything. It was only when I lost everything that my heart broke, and filled with anger and determination.
I never want to feel numb again. I’d rather feel this shit than nothing in a heartbeat.
We’re not robots, after all. We feel for a reason.
Ranch.
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